This blog is serious. The last week I have done two things: firstly, I had a disappointing power test; and secondly, I read Tyler Hamilton's book about his doping and cycling. Both of these events have had a profound effect on me and have caused me to challenge some of my firmly-held views. The test was my monthly FTP test to determine how much wattage I can sustain on the bike. In January I was devastated when it went down and then in February delighted when it went up. All through February I trained hard on the bike but also doing brick runs off the bike, and yet more attempts to improve my swim. On the bike I was working to achieve a 5 watt increase - less than 3% and I thought I'd worked hard enough to achieve that relatively modest goal. I wanted 5W every month up to my USA Nationals Qualifier race in mid April. This objective now fills my horizon. I want it very, very badly indeed. I need it. So, on a Thursday evening in the Performance Cycling Studio I am giving it everything I have. But to no avail. I can't sustain the power, and it drops steadily away from me watt by tantalising watt. It isn't a matter of trying harder, it's simple physiology. My legs can't do it. Trying to get more out of them is the same as telling a short-sighted person to use their eyes more. My HR was actually higher on this test than it was on my previous, more powerful, test but with lower results. Physiology. I'm doing this test in a studio together with 4 other cyclists, including my coach. One of us improved, one stayed the same, one was testing for the first time, and the coach was just back from a week-long training camp so not realistically expecting to perform that well. I was expecting to improve - it really never entered my head that I wouldn't. I had worked hard all month; I was feeding right, my weight is right, I had the right attitude. Everything was right. The other coach from the Performance Cycling team came in and said: "this is going to hurt; stay with it!" I was feeling confident and, frankly, bulletproof. "I'm going to nail this, and enjoy it. I won't be feeling any pain." It was a statement, not a cocky or cheesy testosterone moment. I just felt like I had done my part and now my test would demonstrate that in hard facts. But the test got away from me. I couldn't do it. I went down by 5W. Disaster! At the finish I slumped over the bars, soaked in sweat, completely done in, and devastated. I had known from less than 5 minutes in that I wouldn't do it. As I said, it's simple physiology. At the end, as I slumped, I felt very defeated and upset. I thought about what I had done wrong and about how to turn this result round. I felt bad, and I couldn't be anything but upset. As the coach came round doing high-fives and all that sort of stuff I just looked down; I didn't want to know. I was aware that the others were uncomfortable with me in this mood and I had to try and be a little bit upbeat. I managed a feeble "well done" to the guy who had improved, but I didn't acknowledge the coach's wise words about this being a one-off result, that the trend was what mattered, and to take out the positives, to use this to drive future motivation. He was very good, and he was saying the right things. I was listening, but I wasn't engaging. Over the following 24 hours I analysed it all to the limit, looking at my power files and HR profiles for all the previous tests. I was absolutely using this experience to drive my motivation, but I also felt a little bit foolish. What had actually happened? I had dropped less than 3% power on a static bike on a Thursday night in a gym. No-one had died, nothing had been damaged, a race hadn't been lost. I'm an age-group wannabe hobby sportsman with a good job and a good life. If I stopped doing triathlon tomorrow nobody would really care that much, and not many would actually notice. I did stop sulking and I apologised to the coach the next day for being a bit of an arse. I told him I was sorry to make his job so hard, and acknowledged that he was in a difficult position and had said the right things. He - again - was very good. He said it was a great indication of my dedication and commitment to the sport and to my training, and we went through my programme to get me ready for the qualifier. But I had a good look at myself, and questioned whether I should be this affected by what is, after all, only my hobby. I'm not even mentioning this to Jo - I know exactly what she would say, and how she would just place everything into its correct perspective and then stop talking altogether, so I'd have no alternative but to look at the actual facts and feel like an idiot.
So, moving onto the book. I've avoided Hamilton's book, "The Secret Race", since he wrote it a couple of years ago. He is just another cheat. Another doper. One of Armstrong's sidekicks, and one of the people who nearly destroyed my love for cycling. I was very black and white on this issue. All dopers should be banned. full stop, no return. I couldn't understand how anyone could ride "dirty", or how they could look anyone in the eye. How could they look at their wives, or their children, and not feel like a complete little shit? How could they stand on a podium, and accept the plaudits of the fans? I simply didn't understand. It wasn't something I could do. But reading Hamilton's book took all my beliefs and shook them up. He describes the doping in incredible detail and is so honest about his own dishonesty it is bewildering. At one point he describes how to do the micro-dosing of EPO that was undetectable, you had to hit the vein. You had to feel the point of the needle breaking through the wall of the vein, draw back the nozzle so you saw the drops of blood. He talks about the blood transfusions, and the needle the size of a hosepipe, and the feeling of the refrigerated blood going into his veins. Hamilton was part of the US Postal machine that I once so admired before I realised that it was just a drugs delivery service. So why did it shake me up so much reading Hamilton's book? I knew all about Armstrong's big "Reveal"; I'd seen all the stuff from Walsh - who ultimatley blew the lid on armstrong - through the years; I'd read all the books from the very first "Wide Eyed and Legless" by Paul Kimmage through the decades. I knew about Jacques Anquetil's (domainated the tour in the 60s and won it 5 times) famous statement: "I only do doping when absolutely necessary" "and when is it absolutely necessary?" " absolutely all the time!" I knew about Tommy Simpson dying on Mont Ventoux and having syringes in his back pocket and blood full of speed, brandy and god knows what. I knew about the "Anquetil Cocktail" of Morphine, Speed and some other stuff I can't remember. I had witnessed all the high-profile drugs busts ("getting popped" is how the pros refer to them) of each of my heroes. I thought i was a) knowledgable, b) cycnical, and c) over the disillusionment. I was wrong. When Armstrong "confessed" on Oprah Winfrey's show I literally shouted at the TV in anger: "You cheating, lying bastard!" I felt cheated. I had defended him. He had fooled me. So, Hamilton's book took me by surprise. I began to understand it from his - and their - point of view. My simple: "they are cheats, no mercy" view is just that: simple. I still don't like it, and I still couldn't do it, but I can no longer simply believe that THEY are all wrong. I chased 5 watts in my test. I did everything I could, and I wasn't good enough. So what? Here's Hamilton's equivalent.
"Now that I was tuning into my numbers, I could feel the difference. With the transfusion on board, I had 3 to 4 percent more power, which meant 12 or 16 more watss; I could sustain a threshold heart rate of 180 beats per minute instead of 175. Five more heartbeats per minute, and it made all the difference."
What's the difference between Hamilton's words and mine? Where's the difference in the desire for more, better, for winning? OK, so I can sit here and decide I've got a moral standpoint that won't move. If needs be, I can walk away. But what if it was my job? What if it determined the well-being of others, the salaries, jobs and future of others? What if I had the pressure of a commercial contract requiring me to deliver? How moral would I be then? In the cycling peleton, few walked away. Lemond did, and a small number of others, but most went along with it, to some degree. Who am I to condemn hamilton, who was prepared to practically starve himself to race well? He was so determined to lose weight he would come in from a ride and drink sparkling water then take sleeping pills so he would sleep not eat. He got his bodyfat so low he could hardly sit down. I'm not saying that's a good thing, just that he did that as well as the drugs. Without drugs you didn't get near a result - fact. The peleton called it riding "paniagua", or on just bread and water. It was the exception. Paniague made the best riders in the world simple peleton fodder. Losers. in the background is a drug police service that don't want to catch the criminals. What would you do as a rider? Walk away?
So - I still feel the same about cheats, but I'm not so sure about who the cheats are. The UCI, WADA, and The Police could fix it if they weren't open to bribery, corruption, and the power of money. I love sport because of its purity, and the pitting of your skills, bravery and power against another. Best man or woman wins. But in this cloudy arena I'm not clear how professional sports qualifies. As soon as you introduce another aspect such as money then it clouds everything. One of my favourite sporting moments is Derek Redmond finishing a race being held up by his Dad. He'd pulled a hamstring or something, and was hobbling. His Dad came on the track to help his son, and the officials were ina frenzy. They tried to stop him but his Dad brushed them off. Like most officials, they had completely missed the point. Sure, the race was over for Derek in terms of winning or getting a result, but ask any competitor what its all about and they will tell you, its about completing the race. I see people stumbling to their first 10K finish and feel as good about that as about Usain Bolt smashing a world record. Its a personal battle, a personal goal, not someone else's standard but yours. This is proper sport, and we all do what we can. We push boundaries, and if, in professional sport those boundaires involve drugs then we need to take a stand, draw a line, and enforce it. Commerce doesn't belong in that equation, and as long as we let it have a say then we shouldn't expect a different response from those who are good enough to be in that equation.
"Now that I was tuning into my numbers, I could feel the difference. With the transfusion on board, I had 3 to 4 percent more power, which meant 12 or 16 more watss; I could sustain a threshold heart rate of 180 beats per minute instead of 175. Five more heartbeats per minute, and it made all the difference."
What's the difference between Hamilton's words and mine? Where's the difference in the desire for more, better, for winning? OK, so I can sit here and decide I've got a moral standpoint that won't move. If needs be, I can walk away. But what if it was my job? What if it determined the well-being of others, the salaries, jobs and future of others? What if I had the pressure of a commercial contract requiring me to deliver? How moral would I be then? In the cycling peleton, few walked away. Lemond did, and a small number of others, but most went along with it, to some degree. Who am I to condemn hamilton, who was prepared to practically starve himself to race well? He was so determined to lose weight he would come in from a ride and drink sparkling water then take sleeping pills so he would sleep not eat. He got his bodyfat so low he could hardly sit down. I'm not saying that's a good thing, just that he did that as well as the drugs. Without drugs you didn't get near a result - fact. The peleton called it riding "paniagua", or on just bread and water. It was the exception. Paniague made the best riders in the world simple peleton fodder. Losers. in the background is a drug police service that don't want to catch the criminals. What would you do as a rider? Walk away?
So - I still feel the same about cheats, but I'm not so sure about who the cheats are. The UCI, WADA, and The Police could fix it if they weren't open to bribery, corruption, and the power of money. I love sport because of its purity, and the pitting of your skills, bravery and power against another. Best man or woman wins. But in this cloudy arena I'm not clear how professional sports qualifies. As soon as you introduce another aspect such as money then it clouds everything. One of my favourite sporting moments is Derek Redmond finishing a race being held up by his Dad. He'd pulled a hamstring or something, and was hobbling. His Dad came on the track to help his son, and the officials were ina frenzy. They tried to stop him but his Dad brushed them off. Like most officials, they had completely missed the point. Sure, the race was over for Derek in terms of winning or getting a result, but ask any competitor what its all about and they will tell you, its about completing the race. I see people stumbling to their first 10K finish and feel as good about that as about Usain Bolt smashing a world record. Its a personal battle, a personal goal, not someone else's standard but yours. This is proper sport, and we all do what we can. We push boundaries, and if, in professional sport those boundaires involve drugs then we need to take a stand, draw a line, and enforce it. Commerce doesn't belong in that equation, and as long as we let it have a say then we shouldn't expect a different response from those who are good enough to be in that equation.
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